Show Me How to Live
by HalfDutch
Summary: Shannon and Sawyer realize they have more in common than they thought. Angsty romance.
1. Dancing With Death

_Note: Written after "Confidence Man" but long before "Hearts and Minds" back when people were still speculating what Shannon's "trauma" might be. (Other than the plane crash, of course.) One of my first Lost fics.  
_

Sawyer looked up from his book as Shannon approached. "You got any paper?" she asked him abruptly.

"Well, hello to you too, blondie," Sawyer said, smiling at her with appreciation.

"Yeah, hi," she said, forcing a smile. "Writing paper? Do you have any? I need a few sheets."

"You writing your memoirs, dollface?" Sawyer asked, not moving a muscle.

"Funny," she said, looking not the least bit amused. "So, do you have the paper or not?"

"I think I got some nearby. You wait right here and I'll go check my little inventory." He stood up, brushing closer to her than was necessary. She stepped back, giving him a look of disgust.

He sighed and walked away. She sat down and flipped through the book. "Australia on 40 a Day." Fat lot of good it did anyone now, she thought bitterly. A lot of good Australia had done her. A vacation in the sun hadn't help her take her mind off things at all.

Sawyer came ambling back about five minutes later. "Success," he said, smiling triumphantly, holding up two sheets of paper.

"What's the price?" Shannon asked, biting her lip.

"Ah, you wound me," Sawyer said, putting his hand on his heart and flashing her his dimples. "Haven't you heard? I'm a changed man. No charge for the pretty lady."

"Uh, thanks," said Shannon rolling her eyes. She grabbed the paper from his hand and strode off.

"You take care now," Sawyer called after her, settling lazily back down into his chair. For all he knew, the girl was going to write love poems to Saint Jack. What else would she want with the paper?

A girl like that didn't go after guys. She just stood back and let them fight over her. A stuck-up bitch like that was probably just a tease anyway. Sawyer had no use for girls like her. She could stick the paper up her ass for all he cared.

Then something else occurred to him, but he immediately dismissed it. Not that girl. No way. But he watched her as she walked back to the caves. Her head was down, her arms hugging her thin frame. He sighed. "Hell, it's none of my business," he thought. But if he was right ...

"All these damn do-gooders are rubbing off on me," he sighed and got up and began to follow her.

* * *

Shannon looked down. It was a long way down. As she leaned forward, some dirt broke loose and trickled down the cliff's edge. She was breathing hard. It would be so easy, to just walk over the edge. She'd thought about it ever since she'd found this place. It had haunted her dreams. She'd pictured coming up here a dozen times. What the light would be like, how free she would feel as she stepped over.

But now that she was finally here, she couldn't do it. It wasn't just because of what her death would do to Boone. She should care about that, but he would understand, she knew. She'd explained everything in the letter. She knew what she was going to say so she didn't waste any paper. She'd left the note in Boone's bed, weighted down with a rock. She hoped he wouldn't find it until later that night.

She took a deep breath and held out one leg. "Hey!" The shout stopped her. She froze, then turned and looked to see who was there. It was Sawyer. He was a few yards behind her. He looked genuinely concerned, she was surprised to see, even more surprised than she was to see him there at all.

"Go away," she shouted at him. "Leave me alone."

"Not gonna happen, sweetheart," he said, edging closer to her. "Why don't you just come over here and talk to me?"

"Hah," she snorted. "Talk to you? Why the hell would I want to talk to you?"

"Listen, Shannon, you can do whatever you want, just think about moving this way some." He continued to approach her very slowly.

"You know my name?" she said, disbelieving. "I thought I was just 'Sticks' or 'Blondie,' to you."

"Well, now, of course I know your name, Shannon" said Sawyer, eying her carefully as she wavered on the cliff edge. "It's just no fun to call people by their real names."

"You think you can sweet talk me into not jumping, well you're wrong. I'm going to jump and you can't stop me."

"Why would you want to do a thing like that?" said Sawyer, who was almost close enough to touch her.

"Why? Why?" Shannon said, a hysterical edge creeping into her voice. "You want to know why?"

Sawyer nodded, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on hers.

"My boyfriend killed himself, OK?" she shouted. "He did it because of me. Because I wouldn't see him anymore. You have no idea what it's like!"

Sawyer visibly flinched. "Yes, I do," he said quietly. "My daddy killed himself when I was eight. Right after he killed my mother. In front of me," he added in a low voice.

Shannon reacted as if he'd struck her. "Oh," she said in a small voice. "I ... I didn't know. Oh, God!" The horror of what he said hit her hard. She bent over as if she were going to be sick.

In an instant, he was standing next to her. He grabbed her elbow and pulled her upright. "You think you have problems, princess?" He was glaring into her face now and she trembled at the naked pain she saw there. "You're the one who has no idea. I've been living in hell all my life. You want to die? Well, so do I, sweetheart. You want to go now?" He jerked her closer to the edge and she gasped.

"You're insane," she said, struggling desperately against him. His eyes had a wild light in them, and she had never been more afraid in her life.

He pulled her closer to him and then before she knew what was happening, he was kissing her, his mouth crushing hers. She was too surprised to react, but then she began kissing him back just as passionately. She could feel his heart beating wildly, and she knew hers was too.

His stubble was rough on her cheek and he still had a death grip on her arm, but she didn't care. She didn't know if they were still on the edge of the cliff or had gone over it. She felt as dizzy as if she were falling.

She stopped to catch her breath, putting her head on Sawyer's chest. He put his arm around her and asked her gently, "You still want to die today?" She looked up at him and shook her head.

"OK then," he said, taking her hand and leading her away from the precipice. "Let's sit down for a spell, shall we?"

She followed him obediently, sitting down next to him on the grass. She was still shaking. The ground felt oddly solid to her. She glanced over at Sawyer. He was looking straight ahead, out over where they'd just been standing.

"I think I need a cigarette," he said, pulling one out of his pocket. She noticed his hand shook slightly. He had put it in his mouth, but then looked over her. "Oh, right, asthma girl. I almost forgot." He put the cigarette back without lighting it.

"I don't get you," Shannon said, looking at him curiously. "Why did you lie about having my inhalers? Didn't you know what they were going to do to you?"

He didn't say anything, just gave her a sharp look.

"Oh. You mean you wanted them to ... because of what happened to your parents?" she looked confused.

"Nothing's ever that simple, sugar," he said. "I've been dancing with death for a long time now. Some times it's a lot closer than others. Today I guess it was pretty close."

"And that day ... when you got stabbed?"

"Yeah, it was real fuckin' close that day," said Sawyer, looking down at the ground. "You can thank Saint Jack that I'm still drawing breath. Fool doctor couldn't just let me ease on out of this life."

"Why do you hate Jack so much? He only ever tries to help people."

"Hate's a strong word, darlin'. I just think some people don't see what life really is. Like you. I pictured you sitting in a castle in Beverly Hills somewhere, doing nothing but shopping for designer clothes and parading around in bikinis."

"Yeah, I'm not Paris Hilton, thanks very much," Shannon sniffed.

"Why does your brother call you princess, then?" Sawyer asked.

"Because he's my jerky brother. Didn't you have an annoying brother or sister?"

"Nope. Lonely only."

"Well, then you're lucky." They were silent for a minute.

"So, what was this boyfriend of yours like?" Sawyer asked after a while.

Shannon winced, but his expression of concern seemed genuine. "He ... he was fine, until I wanted to break it off. He wanted to be with me all the time and I, you know, I just didn't feel that way."

"And then he didn't take it so good?" Sawyer said.

"No, he didn't," said Shannon, her voice trembling. "He started showing up all hours. Sending me stuff. Really weird stuff. When he ... he did it, he left a note saying it was because of me. He said really mean things about me and I just had to get out of town. Everyone thought I was this awful bitch who drove him to it. And I started to think ... I started to think maybe they were right." She was crying softly again.

Sawyer reached out and put his arm around her, and cradled her against his chest. "Hey now. I'm no shrink, but I do know that killing yourself is a damn selfish thing to do. It's meant to hurt the people left behind."

"I don't want to hurt Boone," she sobbed. "But I just can't take it anymore. I can't stop thinking about it. And now we're stuck here and our lives are over anyway."

Sawyer awkwardly stroked her fine, flaxen hair. "I can't give you a reason to live," he said after she had nearly cried herself out. "I barely have one myself, day to day."

"What about Kate?" she sniffed. "You've got a thing for her. You couldn't be more obvious about it."

"Why I do believe you're jealous, sweetheart," Sawyer said, with just a hint of his playful smirk.

"Hardly," she said, pushing him away, with a sneer on her face. "I mean look at you. You ever take a look at yourself? Do you like what you see?"

His eyes glinted with a hard edge. "Every day, girl. Every day I sit and weigh my sins and my sorrows. It's not a pretty sight."

"Then why do you keep going?" She asked him, her voice full of pain, her eyes tearing up again.

"Hell, I don't know. Maybe I'm a little bit of a coward. Or maybe life keeps surprising me just enough to keep me interested." He sighed.

"One day at a time?" she said. "That AA stuff?"

"You've been?" he asked.

"Yeah," she nodded. "My friends and I, we used to party a lot. One night there was a crash and my best friend died. And I decided I needed to stop."

"Ah, sweetheart, you've had your share of troubles, haven't you?" Sawyer said, putting his arm around her. "I guess I've been a little hard on you, princess."

"Don't call me that," Shannon said. "That's what my brother calls me. And you're definitely not my brother." She leaned over to kiss him, taking his face in her hands, and kissing him as if her life depended on it.

(To be continued...)


	2. Discovery

Sawyer reached for Shannon, entwining his fingers in her hair as she kissed him. She edged closer to him, pressing against him. Her hands left his face and traveled down his chest, kneading his shirt almost like a cat would. He moaned softly as her hands moved downward.

Maybe someone else would stop and ask her if she really meant what her body was saying, but Sawyer wasn't someone to second-guess a woman who clearly wanted him. He let his hands begin to explore her body. Her breath came faster as his hands closed over her breasts. She arched her back and pushed herself up against him, starting to undulate at his touch. She nuzzled his neck with wet kisses. He tasted salty, like maybe he'd been in the ocean earlier.

Dear God, don't let her stop, he silently begged as she began undoing his jeans. He worked her shirt up, slipping his hand under her bra. She impatiently helped him take her shirt off, and then turned her attention to getting his T-shirt off. It hung up on his head, and they both started laughing. She helped ease it up over his arms, pausing when it caught on his bandage. She shot him a panicky look, her brown eyes widening, but he couldn't see it, since the shirt was still covering his face.

"You gonna leave me sittin' here like this?" he said, gently teasing her. "Oh, you want me blindfolded, is that it? Well, darlin', whatever flips your flag."

"I don't want to hurt your arm," Shannon said, wincing as if she were causing him great pain simply by being there.

"Here," he said, gingerly working the shirt sleeve around the bandage. "All better. See, I'm as good as new."

But her mood had changed, and she looked down, not meeting his intense blue eyes. "I'm sorry, I just make everything worse ... "

"What?" he asked her, a quizzical smile on his face. "No, you don't. Trust me, you're making me feel better than I have all day. Hell, better than I have since long before I got on that damned plane."

She mustered a tiny smile. He reached out and stroked her face. "It's OK," he said softly. "It's been a tough day."

Shannon nodded, her lip quivering slightly. He was smiling, an open smile that changed his whole face. He could look so sweet, she thought, trying to imagine what he would have been like if he hadn't been orphaned so cruelly so young. She nestled her head in his hand, wanting to draw on his strength.

She could feel her own panic receding at his touch. He took her head in both hands and brought her mouth to his. She began responding to the wet insistence of his tongue with little whimpering noises that had Sawyer moaning in return.

He expertly unhooked her bra and slipped it off her shoulders. She whimpered again as their naked skin pressed against each other. A smile curled his lips even as they continued to kiss. Damn, he loved that little sound she made. It sent shivers through him.

And then she stopped kissing him abruptly. She pulled away and started to scream. He turned his head and saw only a blur before something hard connected with his head. He still heard Shannon screaming, but the world had gone black.

"Boone!" What have you done?" Shannon yelled hysterically. Boone stood over the unconscious Sawyer, panting. The big rock in his hand had blood on it.

"What have I done?" he asked. He was madder than she'd ever seen him. "I get your note that you're going to kill yourself, and I come running all the way up here and find you naked with that ... that... fucking creep! What the hell is going on?"

"You don't understand," Shannon pleaded, reaching tearfully for her shirt. "I meant to do it, but then Sawyer found me and he talked me out of it. He saved my life, Boone! And then you had to go ... and ... bash ... his ... head ... in!" She was starting to hyperventilate and her words were coming out in gasps.

"Calm down," Boone said, waving his hands. Now he was afraid. He knew what came next, another asthma attack. They always came on after something stressful. "Shannon, Shannon, God, I'm so sorry. But you scared the hell out of me. And then when I saw him, I thought he..."

"It ... wasn't ... like ... that," Shannon gasped out, her breath sounding choked. "He ... saved ... me..." She started to wheeze as she looked at the blood spread out on Sawyer's temple.

"Ssshhh," Boone said, trying to calm her down. "Don't talk. It doesn't matter, OK?" He looked from her to Sawyer. He had to get her down to Jack, but what would he do about Sawyer? If she were OK, they could both drag him back down, but not in the shape she was in.

He knelt and put his fingers on Sawyer's neck to check his pulse. He was still alive, at any rate. Sawyer's eyelids fluttered, and Boone pulled his hand back.

"You're not the one I was kissing," Sawyer said in his slow drawl.

"Great, well at least I didn't kill you," Boone said, sighing.

"Kissing and killing, what are you two, a tag team?" Sawyer said, sitting up painfully. Blood had run into his eyes and he tried to wipe it away. Then he saw Shannon's stricken face and registered her labored breathing.

"Oh shoot, sweetheart," he said. He looked back at Boone. "What do we do now?" When Boone wasn't quick enough to answer, he spat out angrily, "What do we do for her? C'mon man, you're her brother. How do we help her?"

Boone looked stung by Sawyer's question. "She has to calm down," he said, trying to put his intense dislike of Sawyer aside for the moment. "Just breathe through your nose, the way Jack showed you," Boone coaxed Shannon. She nodded and closed her mouth, channeling her breath through her nostrils.

Boone knelt down and put his arms around his sister, rocking her. He glared at Sawyer as he did so, sending him a clear "hands off" message.

Sawyer twisted his mouth in a parody of a smile. He looked down and away so that they couldn't see his hurt expression. He noticed his zipper was still down and discreetly zipped it up. Not discreetly enough, because Boone heard it and gave him a look of utter disgust.

Sawyer stood up slowly, but a rush of dizziness came over him and he sank back to his knees. Shannon saw him swoon and started to push Boone away. She stopped when she heard a man's breathless voice say, "Shannon?"

They all turned to look at Jack, who stood doubled over, trying to get his breath, a few feet away. No one said anything. Then Sawyer began to laugh. He rolled over onto his side, laughing helplessly. The others were still frozen as if in a tableau.

Boone gestured wordlessly from Shannon to Sawyer. "Sawyer?" Jack asked, his voice rising at the end in an angry note. Shannon hit Boone on the arm, and he released her. Still clutching her shirt to cover her bare chest, and still wheezing, Shannon began to crawl over to Sawyer. He watched her progress, his laughter finally subsiding. She cradled his head in her lap and shot both Boone and Sawyer a defiant look. A crooked smile played over Sawyer's lips.

"Can someone please tell me what is going on?" Jack asked, exasperated. "Hurley showed me Shannon's note and said that Boone had come up here after her, but I'm not sure that any of this here is my business."

"Well, that would be a first for you, doc," said Sawyer mockingly, propping himself up on one arm. "I think Shannon here needs some doctoring. And I seem to have found myself on the wrong end of a blunt object again."

Boone threw up his hands. "Yeah, I hit Sawyer. I thought ... well, I thought he was ... I mean, what was I supposed to think?" he yelled at Shannon. "I almost wish you had just jumped instead. How could you, Shannon? With him!"

Shannon flinched at his words, tears coming to her eyes. Jack looked shocked and even more uncomfortable than he already was. Sawyer's face clouded with anger and he sat up and put his arm protectively around her.

"He saved my life," Shannon said, her chin jutting out indignantly, before realizing she had stopped wheezing with the shock of Boone's insult. She put her hand on her chest, to make sure it was true and then she realized that she was still half naked. She flushed bright red and let out a strangled laugh. She bolted up and ran into the jungle as they all watched her in surprise.

"Well, I guess she's OK," Jack said, shaking his head. "Let me look at your head, Sawyer."

"Another day, another head injury, huh, doc?" Sawyer snarked. "At least this one didn't have your blessing."

Jack knelt down and examined the wound. "The cut looks pretty superficial," he said, all business. "Cuts on the head bleed a lot, so they look worse than they are. How do you feel?"

"Well, I'm a mite shaky," Sawyer said. "And I could use about a hundred aspirin."

"Yeah, well unless you have your own aspirin stash, we can't waste a hundred aspirin on you," Jack said, standing up. "Can you walk on your own?"

Sawyer stood up quickly to prove he could, but wavered again. "Shoot," he said, as he sat back down slowly. "I reckon I might need some help getting down the mountain."

Jack looked over at Boone, who shook his head angrily. "No way," said Boone vehemently, his arms crossed.

Shannon stepped back into their circle. She was fully dressed, but still blushing. "If he needs our help, I say we help him," she said, glaring at Boone. "It's not his fault you got the wrong idea and attacked him."

"Fine," Boone sighed, walking over to Sawyer. "Jack's taller," Sawyer said just as Boone was helping to lean on him. "How am I gonna make it leaning on pee wee here?"

Boone dropped Sawyer's arm and kicked him in the shin. "Help yourself, Sawyer," he said disgustedly. "You obviously don't have a problem with that, do you?"

"Will you stop?" Shannon yelled, beginning to tear up again. "He didn't do anything wrong. I was going to jump until he talked me out of it."

"And then he talked you out of your clothes? Can't you see he's just using you?" Boone shouted back.

Shannon looked as hurt as if he'd hit her. Her chest tightened and she began to wheeze again. Sawyer cradled her head against his shoulder and made soothing noises in her ear while plotting different ways to skin Boone alive.

Jack put his hand on Boone's shoulder. "Come on, Boone, give them some space, OK?" Then he dropped his voice so only Boone could hear him. "We don't want Shannon to have another attack, so let's not overreact here. She says Sawyer saved her. That's great. Whatever happened after that isn't any of our business."

"Yeah, well you don't like it any more than I do," Boone grumbled. "Who else would take advantage of someone like that? I wish I had killed him."

"You don't mean that Boone," said Jack sternly. "You almost lost your sister today. Maybe you should focus on some ways of keeping her around. If Sawyer is one way, well, it's not ideal, but you're going to have to learn to deal with it."

Boone stormed off without saying anything. "Boone!" Shannon yelled after him.

"Let him go, sweetheart" Sawyer said, rubbing her arm reassuringly. "Let him blow off some steam."

"OK," said Jack, "let's go back, shall we?" He took Sawyer's arm and slung it around his shoulders.

"Now, isn't this cozy?" Sawyer said, leaning on Shannon on the other side.

"Saw-yer!" Shannon said, breaking his name into several syllables. She was blushing again, but at least her wheezing had stopped.

It was going to be a long walk, Jack sighed, looking at the two of them exchange furtive glances and swoony smiles.

Sawyer's head ached like the dickens, but he couldn't help grinning. Shannon looked shyly happy and flat-out gorgeous. If only Boone had come along about 20 minutes later, he sighed inwardly.


End file.
